Background

I'm a Research Astronomer at the Spitzer Space Telescope / Science Center, and a member of the InfraRed Spectrograph Instrument Support Team. Previously, I was a postdoctoral fellow here at Caltech with the Owens Valley Radio Observatory Group. I remain an active member of the CARMA consortium. Very briefly, following my stint as an OVRO postdoc, I was a JPL postdoc at Caltech as a member of the SINGS team, in particular as a member of the IRS subteam for SINGS.

My Ph.D. work was on the molecular gas properties of barred spiral galaxies at the University of Maryland in College Park where I worked with Dr. Stuart Vogel, as member of the BIMA SONG team. I will try and post a copy of my thesis here - all of the science results have been published.

Recent Work

I am really excited by our recent work (which took us nearly two and a half years to complete) -- the results were recently published in the Astrophysical Journal, Vol 675, 1141, in an article entitled Evolution of the bar fraction in COSMOS: Quantifying the Assembly of the Hubble Sequence.

We have gotten some very nice press coverage of these results - a ton of places from the US to Russia. I have tried t o collect all of them and put them in a separate web page mostly for friends and family (esp. my dad!)

Our basic finding is that contrary to previous results, there is a steep evolution in the bar fraction in spiral galaxies. Since the presence of a bar is an indication of a galaxy's maturity, the bar fraction evolution is a direct measure of the rate at which galaxies matured and assembled to arrive on the Hubble sequence. This work uses one of the most exquisite datasets ever assembled in astronomy - the COSMOS Survey. In addition to the change inthe overall bar fraction, we also are able to show that the evolution is strongly dependent on the galaxy host properties. The most massive, luminous, red and bulge-dominated systems already seem to have bars at the same frequency as today - in other words, these "early" type systems were indeed early and arrived on the Hubble sequence first. They were in place by z~1 whereas the lower mass, blue galaxies formed and came onto the Hubble sequence as we see it today at z < 1, i.e. in the last 7 Gyr!

Thus our analysis has shown for the first time how and at what rate the Hubble sequence of spiral galaxies assembled!!


Our main results are shown in these figure (click for the high res version)>







Publications List

A PDF version of my pubs list, ordered differently can be found here.

REFEREED PUBLICATIONS:


Since I am involved in two large collaborations, COSMOS and SINGS, I specify papers where I made a significant contribution using BOLDED numbers. I also indicate graduate and undergraduate students I supervised by underlining their names.

2009:

54. The Fourth Annual Spitzer Science Center Conference: The Evolving ISM in the Milky Way and NEarby Galaxies,, eds. Sheth K.,, Noriega-Crespo, A., Paladini, R., Ingalls, J., Electronic Conference Series.

2008:

53. Evolution of the Bar Fraction in COSMOS: Quantifying the Assembly of the Hubble Sequence, Sheth K., Elmegreen D. M., Elmegreen B. G., Capak P., Abraham R. G., Athanassoula E., Ellis R. S., Mobasher B., Salvato M., Schinnerer E., Scoville N. Z., Spalsbury L., Strubbe L., Carollo M., Rich M., West A. A., 2008, ApJ, 675, 1141-1155, arXiv:0710.4552

52. Comparative Analysis of Molecular Clouds in M31, M33, and the Milky Way, Sheth K., Vogel S. N., Wilson C. D., Dame T. M., 2008, ApJ, 675, 330-339, arXiv:0710.4559

51. The Second Annual Spitzer Science Center Conference: Infrared Diagnostics of Galaxy Evolution,, eds. Chary, R., Teplitz, H. I., Sheth K.,, ASP Conference Series, Volume 381. 50. Warm Molecular Gas in M51: Mapping the Excitation Temperature and Mass of H2 with the Spitzer Infrared Spectrograph, Brunner G., Sheth K., Armus L., Wolfire M., Vogel S., Schinnerer E., Helou G., Dufour R., Smith J.-D., Dale D. A., 2008, ApJ, 675, 316-329, arXiv:0712.0022

2007:

49. Star Formation in NGC 5194 (M51a). II. The Spatially Resolved Star Formation Law, Kennicutt R. C., + SINGS team, 2007, ApJ, 671, 333-348, arXiv:0708.0922

48. Spectral Mapping Reconstruction of Extended Sources, Smith J. D. T., Armus L., Dale D. A., Roussel H., Sheth K., Buckalew B. A., Jarrett T. H., Helou G., Kennicutt R. C., Jr., 2007, PASP, 119, 1133-1144, arXiv:0708.3745

47. A Potential Galaxy Threshing System in the COSMOS Field, Sasaki S. + COSMOS team 2007, ApJS, 172, 511-517, arXiv:astro-ph/0612351

46. The Evolution of the Number Density of Large Disk Galaxies in COSMOS, Sargent M. T., + COSMOS team, 2007, ApJS, 172, 434-455, arXiv:astro-ph/0609042

45. COSMOS Morphological Classification with the Zurich Estimator of Structural Types (ZEST) and the Evolution Since z = 1 of the Luminosity Function of Early, Disk, and Irregular Galaxies, Scarlata C., + COSMOS team , 2007, ApJS, 172, 406-433

44. The Effects of Environment on Morphological Evolution at 0<z<1.2 in the COSMOS Survey, Capak P., Abraham R. G., Ellis R. S., Mobasher B., Scoville N., Sheth K., Koekemoer A., 2007, ApJS, 172, 284-294, arXiv:astro-ph/0703668

43. Large Structures and Galaxy Evolution in COSMOS at z < 1.1, Scoville N., + COSMOS team , 2007, ApJS, 172, 150-181, arXiv:astro-ph/0612384

42. The First Release COSMOS Optical and Near-IR Data and Catalog, Capak P., + COSMOS team , 2007, ApJS, 172, 99-116, arXiv:0704.2430

41. S-COSMOS: The Spitzer Legacy Survey of the Hubble Space Telescope ACS 2 deg2 COSMOS Field I: Survey Strategy and First Analysis, Sanders D. B., + COSMOS team, 2007, ApJS, 172, 86-98, arXiv:astro-ph/0701318

40. COSMOS: Hubble Space Telescope Observations, Scoville N., + COSMOS team 2007, ApJS, 172, 38-45, arXiv:astro-ph/0612306

39.The Calibration of Mid-Infrared Star Formation Rate Indicators, Calzetti D. + SINGS team , 2007, ApJ, 666, 870-895, arXiv:0705.3377

38. Dust Masses, PAH Abundances, and Starlight Intensities in the SINGS Galaxy Sample, Draine B. T., + SINGS team, 2007, ApJ, 663, 866-894, arXiv:astro-ph/0703213

37. 150 Magnitudes of Visual Extinction Towards the Central Region of the Barred Galaxy NGC 3367, Garcia-Barreto J. A., Scoville N. Z., Koda J., Sheth K., 2007, RMxAC, 27, 258-br />
36. HI and CO observations of Arp 104: a spiral-elliptical interacting pair, Cullen H., Alexander P., Green D. A., Sheth K., 2007, MNRAS, 376, 98-112, arXiv:astro-ph/0701452

35. A Near-Infrared Study of 2MASS Bars in Local Galaxies: An Anchor for High-Redshift Studies, Menéndez-Delmestre K., Sheth K., Schinnerer E., Jarrett T. H., Scoville N. Z., 2007, ApJ, 657, 790-804, arXiv:astro-ph/0611540

34. The unusual distribution of molecular gas and star formation in Arp 140, Cullen H., Alexander P., Green D. A., Clemens M., Sheth K., 2007, MNRAS, 374, 1185-1197, arXiv:astro-ph/0611617

33. The Mid-Infrared Spectrum of Star-forming Galaxies: Global Properties of Polycyclic Aromatic Hydrocarbon Emission, Smith J. D. T., Draine B. T., + SINGS team , 2007, ApJ, 656, 770-791, arXiv:astro-ph/0610913

2006:

32. The Nature of Infrared Emission in the Local Group Dwarf Galaxy NGC 6822 as Revealed by Spitzer, Cannon J. M.,+ SINGS team , 2006, ApJ, 652, 1170-1187, arXiv:astro-ph/0608249

31. The Radial Distribution of the Interstellar Medium in Disk Galaxies: Evidence for Secular Evolution, Regan M. W., + SINGS team , 2006, ApJ, 652, 1112-1121, br />
30. Warm Dust and Spatially Variable Polycyclic Aromatic Hydrocarbon Emission in the Dwarf Starburst Galaxy NGC 1705, Cannon J. M., + SINGS team , 2006, ApJ, 647, 293-302, arXiv:astro-ph/0604604

29. The Opaque Nascent Starburst in NGC 1377: Spitzer SINGS Observations, Roussel H., + SINGS team , 2006, ApJ, 646, 841-857, arXiv:astro-ph/0604267

28. Mid-Infrared Spectral Diagnostics of Nuclear and Extranuclear Regions in Nearby Galaxies, Dale D. A., + SINGS team , 2006, ApJ, 646, 161-173, arXiv:astro-ph/0604007

27. Spitzer and JCMT Observations of the Active Galactic Nucleus in the Sombrero Galaxy (NGC 4594), Bendo G. J., + SINGS team , 2006, ApJ, 645, 134-147, arXiv:astro-ph/0603160

26. The hot, warm and cold gas in Arp 227 - an evolving poor group, Rampazzo R., Alexander P., Carignan C., Clemens M. S., Cullen H., Garrido O., Marcelin M., Sheth K., Trinchieri G., 2006, MNRAS, 368, 851-863, br />
25. Extended Mid-Infrared Aromatic Feature Emission in M82, Engelbracht C. W., + SINGS team 2006, ApJ, 642, L127-L132, arXiv:astro-ph/0603551

24. Spitzer Space Telescope IRAC and MIPS Observations of the Interacting Galaxies IC 2163 and NGC 2207: Clumpy Emission, Elmegreen D. M., Elmegreen B. G., Kaufman M., Sheth K., Struck C., Thomasson M., Brinks E., 2006, ApJ, 642, 158-170, arXiv:astro-ph/0605524

23. An Initial Look at the Far-Infrared-Radio Correlation within Nearby Star-forming Galaxies Using the Spitzer Space Telescope, Murphy E. J., + SINGS team , 2006, ApJ, 638, 157-175, arXiv:astro-ph/0510227

2005:

22. Star Formation in NGC 5194 (M51a): The Panchromatic View from GALEX to Spitzer, Calzetti D., + SINGS team , 2005, ApJ, 633, 871-893, arXiv:astro-ph/0507427

21. Infrared Spectral Energy Distributions of Nearby Galaxies, Dale D. A., + SINGS team , 2005, ApJ, 633, 857-870, arXiv:astro-ph/0507645

20. Secular Evolution via Bar-driven Gas Inflow: Results from BIMA SONG, Sheth K., Vogel S. N., Regan M. W., Thornley M. D., Teuben P. J., 2005, ApJ, 632, 217-226, arXiv:astro-ph/0505393

19. Spitzer Observations of the Supergiant Shell Region in IC 2574, Cannon J. M., + SINGS team , 2005, ApJ, 630, L37-L40, arXiv:astro-ph/0508025

18. Discovery of an Extended Ultraviolet Disk in the Nearby Galaxy NGC 4625, Gil de Paz A., Madore B. F., Boissier S., Swaters R., Popescu C. C., Tuffs R. J., Sheth K., Kennicutt R. C., Jr., Bianchi L., Thilker D., Martin D. C., 2005, ApJ, 627, L29-L32, arXiv:astro-ph/0506357

17. Warm and Cold Molecular Gas in Galaxies, Dale D. A., Sheth K., Helou G., Regan M. W., Hüttemeister S., 2005, AJ, 129, 2197-2202, arXiv:astro-ph/0501449

16. Molecular gas in a z ˜ 2.5 triply-imaged, sub-mJy submillimetre galaxy typical of the cosmic far-infrared background, Kneib J.-P., Neri R., Smail I., Blain A., Sheth K., van der Werf P., Knudsen K. K., 2005, A&A, 434, 819-825, arXiv:astro-ph/0409502

15. CO in the Bipolar Radio Continuum Galaxy NGC 3367, García-Barreto J. A., Scoville N. Z., Koda J., Sheth K., 2005, AJ, 129, 125-135, arXiv:astro-ph/0409486

2004:

14. Detection of CO from SMM J16359+6612, the Multiply Imaged Submillimeter Galaxy behind A2218, Sheth K., Blain A. W., Kneib J.-P., Frayer D. T., van der Werf P. P., Knudsen K. K., 2004, ApJ, 614, L5-L8, arXiv:astro-ph/0409477

2003:

13. Millimeter Observations of GRB 030329: Continued Evidence for a Two-Component Jet, Sheth K., Frail D. A., White S., Das M., Bertoldi F., Walter F., Kulkarni S. R., Berger E., 2003, ApJ, 595, L33-L36, arXiv:astro-ph/0308188

12. Barred Galaxies at z > 0.7: NICMOS Hubble Deep Field-North Observations, Sheth K., Regan M. W., Scoville N. Z., Strubbe L. E., 2003, ApJ, 592, L13-L16, arXiv:astro-ph/0305589

11. The BIMA Survey of Nearby Galaxies (BIMA SONG). II. The CO Data, Helfer T. T., Thornley M. D., Regan M. W., Wong T., Sheth K., Vogel S. N., Blitz L., Bock D. C.-J., 2003, ApJS, 145, 259-327, arXiv:astro-ph/0304294

10. Central Mass Concentration and Bar Dissolution in Nearby Spiral Galaxies, Das M., Teuben P. J., Vogel S. N., Regan M. W., Sheth K., Harris A. I., Jefferys W. H., 2003, ApJ, 582, 190-195, arXiv:astro-ph/0208467

2002:

9. Molecular Gas and Star Formation in Bars of Nearby Spiral Galaxies, Sheth K., Vogel S. N., Regan M. W., Teuben P. J., Harris A. I., Thornley M. D., 2002, AJ, 124, 2581-2599, arXiv:astro-ph/0208018

8. Inner Molecular Rings in Barred Galaxies: BIMA Survey of Nearby Galaxies CO Observations, Regan M. W., Sheth K., Teuben P. J., Vogel S. N., 2002, ApJ, 574, 126-133, arXiv:astro-ph/0204435

7. CO Observations of the Interacting Galaxy Pair NGC 5394/95, Kaufman M., Sheth K., Struck C., Elmegreen B. G., Thomasson M., Elmegreen D. M., Brinks E., 2002, AJ, 123, 702-719, arXiv:astro-ph/0111240

2001:

6. The BIMA Survey of Nearby Galaxies. I. The Radial Distribution of CO Emission in Spiral Galaxies, Regan M. W., Thornley M. D., Helfer T. T., Sheth K., Wong T., Vogel S. N., Blitz L., Bock D. C.-J., 2001, ApJ, 561, 218-237, arXiv:astro-ph/0107211

5. The BIMA Survey of Nearby Galaxies (BIMA SONG), Helfer T. T., Regan M. W., Thornley M. D., Wong T., Sheth K., Vogel S. N., Bock D. C.-J., Blitz L., Harris A., 2001, Ap&SS, 276, 1131-1139

2000:

4. Molecular Gas, Dust, and Star Formation in the Barred Spiral NGC 5383, Sheth K., Regan M. W., Vogel S. N., Teuben P. J., 2000, ApJ, 532, 221-237, arXiv:astro-ph/9911280

1999:

3. Molecular Gas Kinematics in Barred Spiral Galaxies, Regan M. W., Sheth K., Vogel S. N., 1999, ApJ, 526, 97-113, arXiv:astro-ph/9908121

2. Astrophysics: Stress drives gas into a black hole, Sheth K., Teuben P. J., 1999, Natur, 397, 298-299

1. The Role of Molecular Gas in Galaxy Evolution: Insights from BIMA SONG, Thornley M., Regan M., Helfer T., Sheth K., Vogel S., Harris A., Wong T., Blitz L., Bock D., 1999, Ap&SS, 269, 391-398,

Click here for the Non-Refereed Publications

My Infrared Spectrograph Tasks on the Instrument Support Team

  • Point Source Calibration
  • Extended Source Calibration
  • CUBISM
  • Flatfields for all modules
  • Testing and helping develop SPICE for MACs and OS X systems
  • Supporting TAC review process & data workshops
  • DCE level determination of data quality (latest fun task!)

    Three and a half years ago when I became a member of the IRS team here at Spitzer, I took over the task of point source calibration from Martin Burgdorf who had left for a position in Europe. My main accomplishment during those first six months was to streamline the calibration process and make quantitative determinations of the goodness of the calibration. The process is described and "taught" to the users community as part of data workshops.

    Subsequently I developed an extended source calibration algorithm for IRS. An early version of this was presented in a data workshop in Aug2005, and the latest and most complete discussion is on this webpage. Off of this page, there is also a link to the 14 micron teardrop problem I discovered and characterized.

    Along with my SINGS co-I Lee Armus, I am also the resident expert on CUBISM, the spectral mapping software developed by J.D. Smith and the SINGS team at the SSC. I have given several overviews of CUBISM. Over the last year, I have taken over the process of making flatfields for IRS. Although I have not changed the flat-making algorithm greatly (webpage soon to come on this), I have implemented a end-to-end IDL process for making flats. The most important enhancement of the process has been the ability to do spatial corrections, remove rogues and make cmasks in an automated and quantitative method.

    • SSC and Greater IPAC Service

  • Chair: IPAC Seminar Series
  • Founded and Chaired the GIEC (Greater IPAC Environment Committee)
  • Served as a representative to the Science Oversight Committee
  • Developed the "Welcome to SSC webpages" and worked with G. Squires on the IPAC Scientists and Staff FAQ pages.

    • Mentoring

    I believe that mentoring is a crucial component for a succesful career in astronomy, and probably any academic field where the resources are scarce, jobs scant and the endeavour requires perseverance and a real love for the subject matter. Navigating astronomy is not always easy as one is often buffeted by many factors as the field is very small and yet very dynamic. So here I have collected a list of links to help students as they enter this area of study.


  • AMP: Astronomy Mentoring Program - outline of a program I am trying to motivate.
  • The Ugly(?) World of Networking - Professional networking is critical in our field - here is a presentation I made at a Journal club about the Phil Agre article.
  • Resources for students

    • Service for American Astronomical Society

  • Member on the Committee on the Status of Minorities in Astronomy (CSMA)
  • AAS Representative on the national AIP Committee on Under-Represented Minorities - Here's a report I wrote on behalf of the AAS for the Congressional Diversity Caucus hearings earlier this year.
    • -- -->

    I love bars and galaxies which host them. Much of the joy comes from the team of people I work with. One them, Bruce Elmegreen sent me this collection of Bar Jokes

  • A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts". (thanks to Colleen de Wit)
  • A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!" (thanks to Tony Horvath)
  • A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!" (thanks to Tony Horvath)
  • A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!" (thanks to Tony Horvath)
  • Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. (thanks to Aimee Charbeneau)
  • A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?" (thanks to Keith Steeber)
  • A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high." (thanks to Steve Mallett)
  • A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Can I have a bag of helicopter flavor chips?" The barkeep says, "Sorry, we only have plain." (thanks to Mark)
  • A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "What do you call that?", asks the bartender. "I call him Tiny, because he's my newt!" (thanks to Dwight Perkins)
  • A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out. (thanks to Devin Shannon)
  • A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Please, no stories!" (thanks to Michael Holba)
  • A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!" (thanks to Robert O'Keefe)
  • A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar. (thanks to Louie)
  • Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?" (thanks to Ric)
  • A leprechaun walks into a bar. The bartender serves him and says, "That'll be $2.50." The leprechaun puts two dollar bills on the bar and starts walking away. The barkeep shouts, "You're a little short!" (thanks to Loke Rivano Wangelin)
  • A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would have thought he would have seen it! (thanks to Mark Lee)
  • A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."
  • A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what's that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he never says 'Hi' to anyone."
  • Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not", then disappeared. (thanks to Dennis McGrath)
  • A Kabbalist walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
  • An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"
  • John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
  • A pony walks into a bar and coughs, "Hey, COUGH. Gimme a bu COUGH a beer COUGH. The bartender serves him and says, "What's with your voice?" The pony says, "Nothing, I'm just a little hoarse." (thanks to Loke Rivano Wangelin)
  • A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
  • A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"
  • An old lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. A scraggly old drunk staggers over, takes one look, and says, "Jeeeez, that's the UGLIEST thing I ever saw!" The woman turns her nose up at him and says, "This happens to be a stately creature! Go away, you horrid man!" The old drunk yells, "Lady, I was talkin' to the duck!"
  • A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"
  • A piece of rope walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
  • A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents." (thanks to PK)
  • A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"
  • A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.
  • A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."
  • A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
  • A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"
  • A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."
  • A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
  • A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
  • A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
  • A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
  • A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
  • A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
  • A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
  • Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
  • A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
  • A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
  • A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
  • Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
  • A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."
  • A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
  • A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has painted his horse. The cowboy yells, "Which one of you painted my horse?" A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you - the first coat's dry!"
  • A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"
  • A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" (This joke never gets old)
  • A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."
  • A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up.
  • A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
  • A guy walks into a bar and sees a woman at the end of the bar. The man says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer and I'd like to buy a drink for the douchebag at the end of the bar. The bartender says, "OK, but you shouldn't talk to a woman like that." The bartender asks the woman what she would like. The woman says, "I'll have a vinegar and water." (thanks to Gerald Judd)
  • A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
  • A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!"
  • A professor walks into a bar and orders a double martinous. The bartender says, "you mean a double martini?" The professor says, "If I want more than one I'll ask for it."
  • A crow walks into a bar wearing a pearl necklace. He orders a drink. "I've never seen a crow wearing a pearl necklace before", says the barkeep. "What do you expect with basic black?", says the crow.
  • An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen! (thanks to Thorn)
  • A snake walks into a bar. Waaaa? (thanks to Evets)
  • A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
  • A Canadian guy walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear. The says to the bartender, "What's this - a boot?" (thanks to Tony Horvath)
    • This page under construction!